Chesham Utd: Passmasters — Terrace Edition

Words: Tom Reed

Images: Sam Wainwright

You get days like this once a season, if at all.

The air was cool, the sun hung like a light jacket.

Somewhere, Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse would be tossing a float out to obliging barbel.

But we were at Chesham United for football that makes your soul smile.

Stuart, the programme seller at The Meadow has been punting them for 34 years, only missing one game in the time.

©Sam Wainwright/ Terrace Edition. Chesham United memorabilia.

As he sets out his stall, you can hear the hearty whack of a cricket ball being knocked about at the club next door and the occasional cry for a wicket.

The old man perched on a shooting stick can pop into the football should he fancy it and it is a day for the football indeed.

Chesham is a pretty town in the Buckinghamshire commuter belt at the end of the Metropolitan line.

You can hop on the tube to Watford for the Hornets or a couple of changes for QPR but you wouldn’t really on a day like today.

Best stop for a coffee at Brazils with its striped signage dating back to when the café was a butcher’s shop, or a pint in the Queen’s Head and a plate of Weeping Tiger from the Thai kitchen there.

©Sam Wainwright/ Terrace Edition. The Meadow.

The Meadow ground, home of Chesham United was opened in 1917 for a populace tired of war, following the merger of Chesham FC and Chesham Generals.

It emerges in the Chess Valley and its position in the Chiltern Hills is symbolic of the inclines the club has faced to get where it is in the National League South.

An appearance in the 1968 FA Amateur Cup final has been the peak, played in front of 52,000 at Wembley against East Londoners Leytonstone.

United grasped defeat from the jaws of victory against the ten man Stones, with the white shirted Generals missing a penalty when well placed to take the prized amateur cup back home to Buckinghamshire.

The club has won the Beds and Bucks Senior Cup 16 times, which speaks for a good local standing, while dealing with occasional mishaps like the main stand burning down at The Meadow in 1983 after the semi-final vs Hemel Hempstead in the St. Mary's Cup.

©Sam Wainwright/ Terrace Edition. Chesham United supporters.

Bruce Grobbelaar had a short stint between the sticks for Chesham in 1998, pushing gates up towards the 1000 mark but ending as soon as it had began, with four appearances on the board.

But back to today and its Zimbabwean braai kinda haze, as Chesham United took on Walton and Hersham, two winless clubs looking for their first three points of the season.

The turnstiles have the giveaway hue of Millwall blue, having been salvaged from the old den, clicking satisfyingly as you emerge into one of England’s fine traditional grounds.

The historian is sheltering from the sun in his perfectly appointed portacabin with its treasure trove of books and memorabilia which helps keep alive the stories that make a club.

Over at the tea bar, voted “best tea bar” by TalkSport Radio I’ll have you know, the steak pies and sausage rolls are warming in the cabinet and the flapjacks and fruit cakes are presented on gingham cloth like something from the Great British Bake Off.

©Sam Wainwright/ Terrace Edition. Tea bar.

Little Alex Horne, veteran of the cult TV show Taskmaster is there as usual, with his dog and sporting a Golden Girls t-shirt. Alex can tackle crowds alone as a standup but prefers to be lost in the crowd at The Meadow.

His voiceovers for the Chesham United YouTube series catches viewers with laugh on the off-beat but, as well as being club director, is mainly just a fan, who wants more supporters to join him.

They sell a mean pint of Tasklager in the clubhouse and aficionados will spot the odd prop and location from filming from the show, but the most challenging thing Chesham fans are doing is finding the perfect spot on the terraces in the sun.

There’s a satisfying number of crush barriers dotted around, their tubular surfaces blistering like steel nik-naks and below them, many fans have taken to reclining like they had just got to a British beach after not seeing the sea for some time.

The kick-off would have been nicely missed if not for a blast of Tina Turner’s “The Best”, which focused some of the minds on the ball being rolled around with patience on United’s impeccably flat and recently relaid surface, its marking matching the green chequerboard of the club crest.

©Sam Wainwright/ Terrace Edition. Crush barrier.

Walton and Hersham in their Palermo pink bothered the home goal but got caught on the counter, drawing a foul, from which Alex Babos, chipped a free-kick cutely for the Chesham opener.

Behind the goal, a couple of Chesham supporters banged a wheelie bin in lieu of a drum and the tea bar put a couple more steak pies in the cabinet.

At Maverick’s bar, with its well sprayed graffito, a guy from Pennsylvania wears a t-shirt for caveman battle-doom band “Conan” but is mainly smiling and being far from barbarian.

Chesham chairman Peter Brown is sweating a bit in his shirt and tie, mainly from the good first touch and less effective snap-shots of his players but very much up for the occasion and in with the supporters.

There’s a peculiar feeling across top level football, like a heavy hangover that leaves you present but not present.

©Sam Wainwright/ Terrace Edition. Man in the mirror.

But, Chesham United are combating that by doing everything and nothing, letting the people make football that welcomes you in.

It’s better to judge the promise of a club by the number of young fans and there are plenty of kids in Chesham kits generally messing around and having a great time.

As the home faithful cheer a 2-0 win, the sun rests warm and the wind cooler still and no-one is in a mood to go home.

There’s a guy telling everyone about his invention of a washing machine in the boot of a car which cleans as you go.

If Chesham United were a lesser-known herb it would be chervil. All the steak pies are gone.