All in: Chesham United — Terrace Edition

Words: Tom Reed in conversation with Alex Horne.

Images: As described.

Alex Horne is the creator and co-host of TV challenge show ‘Taskmaster’, in which contestants are asked to do the sort of missions which, in any other world, could only be thought up in the pub after a margin of eight pints downed.

A 2022 episode of the popular programme saw Alex task celebrities with scoring a goal using a shopping bag, as you do.

Comedian Hugh Dennis showed the polythene poaching abilities of a prime Careca, carrying the bag past the goal line, while doing a roly poly.

The goal, infamously for these sorts of things, prompted one of the extras to shout “Awooga” from the stands of Chesham United FC’s “The Meadow” ground, where the Taskmaster skit had played out, which hasn’t been uttered since John Fashanu swapped football for presenting “Gladiators” in the 90’s.

A few months later, Horne was announced as Director of Chesham United, the Buckinghamshire club in the town where he lives, having got to know “The Generals” through his children, who play in the youth setup.

©Neale Blackburn. Alex Horne on the terraces at Chesham United.

Talking to Terrace Edition, Horne said going from supporter to Director at Chesham United was gradual, having moved to the town 20 years ago. “We filmed an episode of Taskmaster there, we filmed a few things and then we put on a Taskmaster event and the chairman saw how many people came to that and basically twisted my arm and said ‘can we get you on board?’ to help get people through the gates”.

“I started going more and more anyway but now I have to to go, which is brilliant, it means my wife can’t get cross with me when I lose another Saturday afternoon.”

The comedy potential of non-League football for seasoned stand-up Horne was not at the forefront, but through the charming 16-part YouTube documentary series “All In: Chesham United”, of which he narrates, he has been able to offer some wry observations of life below the Football League.

It’s less Spinal Tap and more missed tap-ins during the Walnut Media Productions documentary, which delves into various facets of life at a semi-pro outfit.

Across the series, personal stories cover the likes of United player Jayden Bennetts, who is rebuilding his career after leaving Watford’s academy for Germany and suffering injury setbacks.

Production still. All In: Chesham United. Episode 13.

The camera also focuses on long-term fan Nobby who barely misses a game in his flat cap and isn’t perturbed by the near 300 mile round-trip from Chesham to Torquay for a match.

Also featured in the Torquay episode titled “What It's REALLY Like On Non-League's Biggest Away Day” is forward Mitchell Weiss, preparing like a pro for the long journey to Devon by making rice pudding from a recipe from a Premier League level private chef’s cookbook.

Despite saying he “never liked rice pudding” and is “allergic to dairy” Weiss adds that before every game he “has a bowl of rice pudding, then on the day of the game the last thing before the game I probably have a bowl of rice pudding”.

Horne’s narration stirs the pot encouragingly “Well let’s hope everyone has had their rice pudding, I know I’m going to start having rice pudding on big days and also the night before big days I will have, rice pudding”.

The episode shows the plate half-full/ half-empty contrasts between football feast and farce after manager James “JD” Duncan’s clear instructions to not “get the crowd up” and “no stupid tackles” is rewarded with a Chesham player receiving his marching orders after an “off the ball incident” at Torquay, which the documentary misses due to changing the batteries in the camera.

Horne notes the comedy that runs through football at all levels but also, that in the semi-pro sphere, there is a certain seriousness.

“It’s interesting actually because if you watch something like the Roy Keane podcast with Neville or even the Gary Lineker books, they are all trying to be funny. And I think equally, in non-League football, the footballers take it as seriously as the top players because they actually rely on it. You know the top players are all millionaires, whereas our players are trying to juggle other jobs as well. They like us finding things funny but we also try not to ever belittle. They have a really good sense of humour but I think we should acknowledge when it is funny because often it is and we have worse referees because there is no VAR but we also hopefully show that it matters a lot to the players”.

“I think we do have to acknowledge our weaknesses, that is very non-League football. I mean we turned up to match two seasons ago 20 minutes late because three of the players had missed the train and that doesn’t happen in Premier League football.”

Despite being a Director, Horne still has his moments of amazement at being involved with a non-League club.

“Recently we had curtains fitted and the guy who knocked on the door to measure was our goalkeeper Ben Goode and I knew it was his job but I was so excited to see a Chesham United goalkeeper in my house.”

Production still. All In: Chesham United. Episode 9. Alex Horne in stands.

As a nod, there’s a lingering shot in the Torquay episode, of an electric blind being dropped by Goode, that wouldn’t be out of place in a Wes Anderson film.

Like all non-League volunteers, Horne has the head-scratcher of trying to attract new supporters and crucially to keep them coming back. Chesham is the terminus for the Metropolitan line, with the myriad London clubs a short ride away, while Wycombe Wanderers are an established League 1 outfit vying for custom just ten minutes down the A404.

A charity match helps get the turnstiles clicking, played every year in May and featuring various famous stand-ups vying for the “Alex Horne Comedy Football trophy”.

Yet, Horne knows the club needs to build on its homegrown support and the next task from his box of tricks is to ensure United record gates of over 1000 each match.

A big part of that will be encouraging new supporters to buy into the subtle beauty of United and its picturesque old-school ground “The Meadow”.

©Neale Blackburn. Chesham United vs Maidstone.

Speaking on the YouTube documentary, Horne notes with feeling what drew him to Chesham United and what will hopefully bring in others.

“Non-league football is a great way of being part of the community without realising it, you go along and if you are by yourself it doesn’t matter, you’ll be standing next to someone, experiencing this thing and you’ll automatically be talking about the linesman …It’s not predictable, you’re going to get real highs, real lows, you’re gonna get scraps, a lot of goals often, you’re gonna get some pretty poor tackling . You’re not gonna get VAR which makes it much more alive for me. Every time I go there, something different happens.”

“I don’t know why I go there, is it for the people or the football? It probably is genuinely both.”

In an increasingly detached world, football like comedy relies on a human element to interaction. People wanting a laugh still go to comedy clubs and football fans wanting to feel something are going to non-League clubs in their numbers. Strikers go for goals and stand-ups for laughs. Sometimes they come and sometimes they don’t.

And as the real stuff of another season in National League South kicks-off, there’s no sponsorship from Müller Rice as yet but the roller blinds are retracted. Alex will be on the terraces with his mates at The Meadow once more, watching the sublime and the ridiculous and everything in between.

All in: Chesham United is available to view on YouTube

The club’s website is www.cheshamunited.co.uk